My first feeling on pondering this is comfort.  I am the little boat who can’t see over the next wave a’ comin’.  God is the knower, he sees and has seen and will see me safely into port.  He lights my path with his knowledge, he is one step ahead of me.  When I’m thinking about the future, God’s knowing makes me feel safe and secure.  All those things I worried about, God has taken care of.  All those things I am worried about and will worry about, God knows.  He is always always with me.

But if I think a little longer, I realize.  God knows.

He knows more than my future.  He knows me now.  He knows the beating of my heart, the thoughts racing through my brain, the feel of the keys against my fingers.  He knows all of me.  Right now, he sees me more clearly than I can see myself.  I am an open book, a body already dissected on the table.  I can hide nothing.  He sees all my traits truly.  All those things I thought were strengths, all those weaknesses I ignore.  God hasn’t just seen the highlights, he’s seen it all.

And when I think of that I cringe.  I know there is no use in running.  Fear clutches at me.  He knows.

He knows.  He knows.  He knows.

And then I remember… yes he knows.  But he also loves.  He loves like no other because he is love.  He knows all and knows best and loves me even though I know nothing and my love is flawed compared to his.  God’s love for us gives us freedom in his knowledge.  Since he knows all and still loves us all, we don’t have to live in fear.  Grace gives us a way to get across the pit of things that God knows about us and to live in Him.  He knows me and he loves me and I do not have to be afraid.

your face when you listen,

your lips when you smile.

all i can think of is the safety of your arms and the warmth of your hand holding mine.

this is the poem i’ve been longing to write,

though no words on a page are your equal.

i was going to write something, but now i think i’ll take a nap.

in the smallest hours of the morning,

when there are so many more words to write

and things to say,

when my eyelids are heavy

and my burden is the pressure of time passing

all too quickly,

keep me from giving in to slumber

and help me to make it to daylight.

tea and ginger snaps, you are my only allies here in the winter silence.

i would like to learn to play the keytar.  i am completely serious.

especially when it follows a fajita dinner and pepperidge farm chocolate cake.

i will buckle myself into a somewhat overpadded chair,

consider reading an article on Sofia Coppola,

and promptly fall asleep somewhere between

here and Dallas.

there may be a brief period of consciousness

for pretzels and cranberry juice,

and

if i am beside a window,

for the takeoff and the landing.

then comes the plane change,

throughout which i will feel especially grown up,

striding through the holiday crowds on my own private, important business.

now repeat the sitting, buckling, and sleeping,

but this time,

i am totally and completely wide awake as we land.

as the ground grows nearer and the tiny cars glow clearer,

my stomach flips a little.

anticipation fills my head and my heart and tingles in my limbs.

Hartsfield is a blur and at that top of long, long moving staircase

relief and happiness take over my face,

uncovering my widest smile as i find the home-people i have waited so long to see.

Mild interest, perhaps,

since he is a male after all,

and she is the opposite, a girl.

As hope, fear, and the anvil-weight of the possibilities of the future

churn her insides into mush,

he continues to memorize the differences between halogens

and the noble gases.

Her eyes frequently lift from the pages to glance across the table,

across the Sahara Desert,

across Siberia.

Helium.

(Do

Fluorine.

you

Neon.

even

Chlorine.

know?)

my life is crazy, but i’ve missed you.

love, me

my peppermint shampoo who opens for

the headliner of  coconut conditioner.

together, they bring me an island Christmas.

i breathe daily

that morning smell, of dewdrops and dirt,

mingled with the slightest whiff of grass,

earthy and full of life and worms.

i inhale dreamily

the ever-present scent of hope

untainted by foul greed and blind ambition.

some days it is very faint,

but today that sweet smell guides me

upward

and onward.